just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
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I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
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I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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