I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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