Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
