did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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