after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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