Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I am available for nakedness
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