it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
