Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
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On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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