apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
