Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
