: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
