not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am never drinking with the goths again.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
