fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
