what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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