Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
