I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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