Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
