Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is classic penis vs brain.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
