I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
