One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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