I think I am morally bankrupt
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.