A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.