Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.