When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
