i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Please don't give away my fajitas
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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