you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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