Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
