I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
