you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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