This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
