so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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