chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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