I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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