Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
