Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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