holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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