I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
