But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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