I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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