it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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