You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
