I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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