You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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