Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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