Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
