I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
