Where is the hickey?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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