Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize