Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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