Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
