He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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