Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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