I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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