i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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