Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
