just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
