For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
