Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
