Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You're like the curious george of whores
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
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Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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