And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
