Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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