That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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